The other morning as I came down the stairs after showering, I realized that I had been on my own upstairs for more than thirty minutes. That meant my two little ones (four and almost-three) had been downstairs on their own for that long. And in that moment I saw something that had been a standard for me since I became a mother.
As a student of yoga and meditation for more than a decade, I have aspired to be someone who is "present." Someone who is observing their thoughts, someone who chooses which thoughts to honor, instead of reacting. And someone who makes this a practice not only on the meditation pillow, but who practices observing my mind all the time. And until I stepped down the stairs the other morning I had never seen that I expect myself to be consciously engaged with my children ALL THE TIME. With as much rigor as a meditator practices. In the same moment I saw that that was insane and impossible.
It IS actually impossible to be engaged with one's child or children 24/7. But I could see some how that had become my standard. No wonder, looking back, I had been irritated washing dishes, when it used to be an activity that relaxed me and I enjoyed. No wonder, I had been tense as I prepared food or blow-dried my hair.
I got that I could choose to be free. Free to be a human being, seperate from my beautiful children. Free to relax and take some moments of private, quiet time. This week, after seeing this, I have actually followed my baby-sitter's encouragement and have left the kids after nighttime rituals and kisses to fall asleep themselves.
This freedom, having space around my body to myself, and inside my own head as well, is relaxing, lighter, and, actually, freeing.
